Being aware of the conditioning is not enough
Just cause you know you had this fear when you were younger, and you know it started cause of this or that that happened in your life, thats not enough. Dismantling is not like psychology in this way. You need to recognize the pattern historically, whats behind it. We have been talking about this recently: why do people change so much when around other people? Think hard about this…
Why do we not change when in nature?
If you were expected to do things, and if you did not their would be consequences, and you’re now aware of this conditioning, thats good. But being aware of the conditioning is not enough. The conditioning keeps coming up subtly. This conditioning is behind your motivation for everything you think and do. This creates fear and control and force. Your own inner authority figure.
If your good you get a reward, if bad punished. See this pattern? It’s your whole life now. See it, observe it, in your daily thoughts, in your life, when you see it, do not judge it, just catch it, freeze it, and examine it further. Look at this thought and action from all angles then ask yourself why do you care about this? Is there a way I can delete this old software of fear and obedience? Can I update my software to something more useful, more productive?
Of course you did the opposite of what others wanted, but that too led to more fear and a self destructive path because you were still refusing to understand. So we swing our whole life from one side of the pendulum to the other and we get beat up on both sides. This exhausts us, makes us more of a mess and our lives a mess, as you have noticed.
Yes, there is no such thing as security, the more you push for it the more you need protection from your own security and that mirrors outside of us too and why we ‘see’ we need protection from our police and the system that was there to help us. Do you see the pattern?
You may not be a criminal or into drugs anymore in your outer life, but do you see how your still drugging yourself internally with positive things, trying to do good so as not to be punished? That’s a drug and that’s violence, a crime to yourself. Can you see it? All the ways you drug and are violent with yourself make a list of that to.
Of course you feel trapped because you turned your life around thinking it would change but it did not. Its no different than going from business man to spiritual person, to religion from criminal, your still in prison from all that you have been trying your whole life to escape. Its not just you, its the whole race, that is stuck and is struggling with this in more ways than one.
Never accept being trapped here. Yes, you’re here, but a part of you is not, and yes, there is a way out, but only if you stop fighting struggling and start understanding, observing, seeing exactly how the prison works. You can not see it with conditioned thought or extreme emotions attached to your identity and ideals that makes you fight as well to protect the prison. See how you and others do this to try to see whats behind this curtain as well.
So, if you know the problem is the relationship with the conditioning, how can you change it to a more productive one? Can you understand the conditioning? Could you interview it like an entity of its own? Yes, you know to observe, but by reading your letter I can see you do not fully understand what it means to observe, what we mean when we say to observe, but this letter I think will really help you to understand.
It’s hard to see the world without the past, to start, use the past, but see it as a data base in your hard drive, a tool nothing more, not a reason to get lost in your identity and get emotional.