Things Change I Change

Since I stopped drinking and using drugs in 2008 a lot of things have changed for me. The thing I notice in the past couple of years is I feel more remorse. I feel guilt? Shame? Definitely remorse.

It may be due to less self deception. Less lying to myself to feel better about myself. I suppose these things are surely true. I’m more honest now. I know more about myself now. I know more about everything now. Learning and knowing more is inevitable providing I pay attention.

Whatever the reason, I experience more remorse over the things I did in the old days. There’s a sadness in remorse. There’s sadness in finding out I was so stupid. Being stupid isn’t necessarily our fault. We get taught stupid things by stupid people before we know better than not to believe what our teachers tell us.

So I guess there’s more sadness now. Sadness and remorse over the stupid things I did. The mean things I did. The mistakes I made that effected so many other lives. Sadness over the things I can’t undo. The relationships I can’t have. The live I can’t get back.

Still, with all that sadness, I better off now than I’ve ever been. I can see myself better. I no longer rely on belief to feel okay.

In dreams 2018

Looking at what happens in dreams, which I’ve been doing for some time, I find some main themes are repeated. These is the connection between the waking and sleeping self. It appears that what really bugs me about my life, my self, the world and people… shows up in dreams.

I’ve begun thinking about dreams as places: places I visit when I’m asleep. In these places I seem to have the same frustrations and problems I have when awake. I’ve always felt stuck, trapped… in dreams these places appear as prisons: places I can’t get out of. I’ve always had a problem with money. I don’t like being told what to do. So being told I have to work or die just pisses me off and makes jobs a misery. It’s not the work. It’s the “you have to” part. As a result I’ve been penniless, a lot. So another repeated theme is I’m often broke and depending on others in my dream scenarios.

Here’s an observation: I’ve often had plenty of money and been free to do almost anything; this self hardly ever shows up in dreams. The negative self seems to be the predominant character. I find the bad feeling is always the one that makes to deepest impression on the self.

So what I’ve been testing is constructing better dreams. Dreams where the prisons and monetary needs don’t exist. I say constructing but what I really do is more instructing. I say something to myself like “visit better places” when I close my eyes at night. Nothing more than that.

It’s happened a few times, that I recall, that I’ve got to these netter places. Been doing it now, when I remember, for a couple of weeks. This is a big deal to me