Since I stopped drinking and using drugs in 2008 a lot of things have changed for me. The thing I notice in the past couple of years is I feel more remorse. I feel guilt? Shame? Definitely remorse.
It may be due to less self deception. Less lying to myself to feel better about myself. I suppose these things are surely true. I’m more honest now. I know more about myself now. I know more about everything now. Learning and knowing more is inevitable providing I pay attention.
Whatever the reason, I experience more remorse over the things I did in the old days. There’s a sadness in remorse. There’s sadness in finding out I was so stupid. Being stupid isn’t necessarily our fault. We get taught stupid things by stupid people before we know better than not to believe what our teachers tell us.
So I guess there’s more sadness now. Sadness and remorse over the stupid things I did. The mean things I did. The mistakes I made that effected so many other lives. Sadness over the things I can’t undo. The relationships I can’t have. The live I can’t get back.
Still, with all that sadness, I better off now than I’ve ever been. I can see myself better. I no longer rely on belief to feel okay.