The feeling of identifying with depression

Meredith Rucker on facebook writes…

“… i know the feeling of identifying with depression (stuck in thought and falling victim to thoughts rather than taking a step back and questioning/observing these thoughts..thats what thinking is right?) okay anyways, rather than using feelings as a tool for discovery/understanding … i would get scared of feelings, and so i become a victim to it..it becomes my master.

and in my mind it would sound something like this…”wow I’m depressed, AGAIN. but i was so happy last year. so vibrant. now its all over. this sucks, everything sucks, its that persons fault, its because of my job, its because of my environment, its because of my childhood, my past, i need to fix this, i need to eat better, i need to move, i need to have more hobbies, SHIT!! NOW IM CONFUSED! WHAT DO I DO?

I’ve done it all before! here i am still the same!! now i feel hopeless. so fuck it. ill just stay depressed because I’m just so fucking tired of this game ” …OK SO… i think its actually ok that i don’t find any solutions or cures comforting anymore. before i used to just find solutions and feel temporarily better. but now even if i think of solutions..none of them are inspiring because i see the manipulation behind it all.

so here i am left with my depression. i have two choices 1) recognize it but not do anything about it. live with it without understanding it (which leads to self destruction –> a victim to myself) 2) recognize it, face it, feel it, observe it, question it … use creative methods to organize & express whatever is inside of me. and let it pass through.

i find it much healthier to no longer suppress pain inside of me ..(still getting used to this) and now i know something deep inside wants to communicate with me. just because i can’t understand it doesn’t mean it should be ignored.

so i talk to someone .. i expose it.

or go be alone .. and try to listen to my feelings or anxiety/depression. even if it is in codes.. i let it speak. through painting … writing scribbles or random words. its fascinating to see whatever you create, draw, scribble, write, etc.. that it ends up making a bit of sense in the end. like you tapped into a part of you that has been silenced for so long.”