My main interest in life has been “What am I?”… I’ve never really understood the “Who am I?” thing, although I’ve been bombarded with it for as long as I can remember. I know people act, like actors in Plays… I’ve acted, worn costumes, to get things I’ve wanted. But I always knew I was acting and I never got in to it to the point of caring about any of it…
I was hooked on the What… the Who was something other people did
Being interested in the What is more a technical interest… in fact my entire view of Life, whatever it is and whatever it entails, is technical. Not because I don’t have feelings… In fact I think I am too emotional for my own good… I feel things intensely. I also see these emotions and feelings, all sensations, thoughts and the sensory activity, as technical.
I feel life is Technology: Mechanics; not as we might first think of technology with inventors, engineers and builders… that’s Earth stuff.
Rather, Technology in the sense that somehow energy, whatever it is and whatever it entails, is functioning, in form. From Galaxies, to Asteriods, to ants… Energy, in form… and me? Energy in form, aware of itself? Energy as awareness, in form?
I wasn’t aware of the presence of energy when I sat under the trees as a boy and wondered about my self. But I always thought of my self as a thing. I’ve been a human thing, a dropped off on Earth thing, an explorer thing, a story telling, image wielding, trouble maker, thing… A thing listening to peoples stories, trying them on, taking them off. I was the thing that looked for happiness, love, gods, truth… Purpose: reason, logic, answers; anything that looked like solid ground. I haven’t found any of that stuff and am back to what I started out as…
A bit of thinking technology trying to read it’s own code.
I asked, “What are we in?”.
I flipped the lure close to the Lily pads… hand lightly on the rod… sensitive to any movement… Nothing. Nary a nibble.
Back on shore inside the cabin I wonder once more, what is this thing I’m in… this walking, talking, energetic form? How is it even working? We’ve taken it apart, put it under the microscope, tested it’s chemistry. We’ve made speeches when we’ve found something out… and when we had ideas about what we found, we made more speeches… and when we had hopes about things we saw – even more lofty speeches. Still, nobody really knows what it is… or what makes it “Go”.
We just tell each other stories…
No matter what the body is, or what we think about it, it’s part of what I am right now… I’m connected to it, whatever that connection is and whatever it entails… At the same time I’ve never really felt as if I’m fully attached to this body. I feel, sense, a space… or field… that I call me.
I’m aware. I’m aware of this body. I’m aware of my attachment to it… I like it. It wasn’t always so…
There was a time I got lost in this body and created an adversary out of the brain. I blamed it for the thoughts and images that caused me discomfort. I had one ongoing search for a long, long, time and it continued until just recently. Actually I got the answer years ago but didn’t “realize” what it was… Many of you have heard the man say, “When the observer becomes the observed”.
For years I observed my thinking as if it was something other than me thinking… I knew I wasn’t my brain… I knew I was thinking about my brain thinking… I suppose this is a good definition, or demonstration, of duality.
I thought the machine was malfunctioning… that the brain was so lost in whatever it’s programming had personified that it had inadvertently turned on itself like a unbalanced immune system that could not see it was destroying it’s host. The brain was crazy and had to be stopped… I just needed to find the source of the fuckball within the maze of technology and hit it till it stopped!
So I donned the detective hat and set out to bring the critter to heel… All I had to do was unravel this deepest of life’s mysteries. Well It wasn’t like I was doing anything else… I had no Who to sustain. So many years ago now I set off on what would turn into a decades long hunt. All the while fighting with the thing I sought as it threatening to drive me nuts…
I continued to investigate these thoughts… Thoughts that I knew came from the brain. I followed those thoughts, tracking them, losing and picking up the trail, until at last I came through the tangled wood… out of the dense forested darkness and into a clearing… Into an open expanse that seemed endless. Into, the space… the field… the field of the observer. The place where Mind and Body meet… Where the observer becomes the observed
I guess you know this story doesn’t end here… Not when it’s come this close to the beginning.