The Voices of my Identities

If you talk to yourself… If you talk to other people (in your head)… this is for you (us)

The most maddening thing about being Me are these conversations that go on… The main questions I have concerning this phenomena are why does it happen? Where does it come from? Can I shut it off? And I guess some other questions like… Why does it bother me so much?

I guess the reason it bothers me so much is it’s not a conversation I want to have or a conversation I want to listen to… If I was in the car with someone who was talking about this stuff I’d tell them they could either shut up… or get out. There would be no living with any person who thought these thoughts and had these conversations…

Here’s another thing… they aren’t even real, happening, conversations… they’re all imaginings. What’s the difference between an identity, or my identities, and me? From what I can gather, from watching, listening and questioning, the identity thinks it’s me… or it at least thinks it’s a being… a person. A person? How can this be?

I think I know a few things about these identities… at least this is what I’ve come up with so far… I made them.

I recognise one of them from my childhood. I used to get in trouble a lot. I didn’t like being told what to do and when to do it. When I didn’t do what I was told to do I got in trouble. I knew I was going to get in trouble and I’d start building a defense… Making up excuses… I couldn’t say, or didn’t know I could say, fuck off… I’m tired of being told what to do and what not to do. I dreaded getting in trouble and I’d talk to my oppressers in my head… trying to explain things and steer clear of the discipline.

That voice, that “I’m going to get in trouble” character, is still here today… 50 years later!

So here’s a personality, an identity, that started out as an attempt to make up some story, or some reasoning, as a way out of a spanking or scolding… living, I guess, a life of its own… Is this a part of me? Is this a fragment of the whole Me-Mind?

Here’s another thing I’ve been looking at lately… it’s a given that all people develop a personality depending on their environment and the unknown variable called predisposition. The predisposition means that two people can grow up in the same environment and wind up worlds apart in personality. Still, all people develop a personality… Do all people here voices? If not… then why?

In this particular case, for this particular indentity, I developed it from the constant fear of getting in trouble. I was in trouble about every other day… I also spent everyday trying to figure out how things would wind up. I felt trapped in a world that was governed by others: Parents, Teachers, Bigger kids… Where did that leave me? How could this end well for me?

At some point this person I was creating found reason to fear, or at least be leery of, everyone I met. Always there in the back of my mind… the potential of something bad loomed

Another person might have reacted to life differently… maybe they enjoyed the orders of some others order… maybe it made them feel secure… Like everything was going to be okay. Do they develop a Something good is going to happen identity. A full of hope fragment of their whole Me-Mind?