This is what kills me

i prefer to experience the fullest expression of myself .. meaning, not toned down. especially not toned down for the sake of keeping life “orderly” .. this is what kills me .. also .. when i juggle and contemplate judgments, tossing them around .. i feel so heavy .. i become unintentionally mean. this kills me too.. and then soon .. i feel a bit dull .. bland .. like processed white bread .. (in my mind, with my words, in my perspectives) .. zombie food thinking .. but truly, we cannot escape being boring or bland … but i prefer something more multi dimensional .. instead of a monotone mind, i want a whole palate of colors .. feeling all of the elements .. sensations sharp and stimulated by my own interpretations and curiosities .. alive .. energetic .. not factory made .. but nourished by soil ….. soaked in sunshine .. drenched in rain ..

Meredith Rucker